HOROSCOPE

They say you have a head for numbers, but that's because "head for tumors" isn't really an expression.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.