Lord Buckley

Jonah

"If you get to it, and you can't do it....?
There you jolly well are, aren't you!"

My lords and ladies of the royal court.
The religious fantasy of Jonah and the Whale.
Now the Great Lord was sittin' in his rosy rockin' chair one halleluia morning
and he looked down and observed by a great body of water,
a little mortal about five foot two.
And the Lord dug the mortal and he called for Gabriel.



And Gabe put down his horn and swung with the book.
And the Lord flipped the pages.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J... And it was Jonah gettin' his kicks on the beach.
"Sho' is crazy out here on this here beach!
Man's got a lot of room to groove in the sunshine,
and everything is melody and fine!"
Now, when the Great Lord has something he must have done upon the earth,
he calls upon his favorite children to do it.
So the Great Lord put the sound on Jonah.
He says, "I dig you, Jonah! I dig you, Jonah!
I dig you, Jonah, cause Jonah is the Lord's sweet boy!"




And Jonah says, "Man where is all that jazz music comin' from, anyway?
Sounds like seventy-two jazz bands is jumpin' off here,
man, makes me want to dig it and wiggle. Whoooo ooo!,"
Says, "I know them seagulls ain't wailin' up no breeze like that,"
Says, "The Whooperwills and the canaries gonna carry on,"
say, "I got the craziest feelin' all over my body!"
"OOOOOooooohhhh! Feel like I want to stretch my wings and
OOOOOOOooooooooeeeeeee! Good mornin', Lord!"
And the Lord said, "Good mornin', Jonah." Said, "Jonah, I got a little favor I'd like..."
Jonah say, "Ain't that crazy, out of the six million cats
for the Lord to put his finger on,
and to say he like Jonah. Ain't that groovy!"
And the Great Lord said, "Jonah, I'd like you to cross the Red Sea
and put the message on the Israelites. They're squarin' up over there!"
And Jonah said, "Man, you don't mean this here big pool do you, Lord?"
( Wwhhhooom - Boom! )
"Man, look at them whales!"
( Wshhhooom - Boom! )
He said, "You must mean some little Jonah-sized pool, don't ya, Lord?"
And The Great Lord said, "Jonah, put your nose into the wind
and the message will come to you."
And Jonah put his great nose into the North Wind.
Wwwhhhiissshhhh!
It was not there.
He put in in the East Wind.
Wwwhhhiissshhh!
It was not there.
He put it into The West Wind.
Wwwhhhiissshhh!
It was not there.
But, when he put it into the halleluyah South Wind.
Whhewww!
It was there!
So he travelled for twenty-two days and fifteen minutes
and came to a great cathedral-like group of trees,
liftin' their glorious arms up to heaven in supplication of the master.
And down at the bottom of these giant sequoias
Jonah saw growing a strange green vine.
And he said, just like Brigham Young,
(foot stomp) "This is it!!"
And he sat down beside it and he observed of it.
And he admired of it.
And he plucked from it.
And he rolled of it.
And he selected of it.
And he swung of it.
And he said, "Where is that full pool The Lord wanted me to dig?
Look out, here come Jonah and he ready as the day is long!"
NNNNNnnnnn - BOOM!
He cut a gigantic V right through the breast of the waves.
And suddenly fatigue hit Jonah in the back of his soul



and he lay his great body back in the water.
And he lulling in the waves and Morpheus was goofin' on his eyebrows.
And sleep came to Johan.



And he slept for twelve hours and fifteen seconds.
When he woke, what did he see?
I'll tell you what he saw: He saw The Whale!
And what did he say when he saw The Whale?
He said, "Get me from this scene immediately!"
And The Whale say, "Ha, ha, man, every time I stick my nose up out of this pool
I sure see some crazy jazz! Hee, hee, this is the bendin' end!"



Say, "What you mean, the bendin' end, Mr. Whale?"
He say, "Look at that, he talk, too! What do you know about that?"
Say, "Course I talk, Mr. Whale!" Say, "Don't you dig the Marine News?
Ain't you hip to what's goin' down right on these here waters?"
Say, "Wait a minute here, take it easy now."
He say, "Ain't no takin' it easy, Mr. Whale."
He say, "It's a big pool. You groove your way, I'll groove mine.
I'll swoop the scene and dig you later!"



Say, "Lookit here. Here's a little bit of nothin' to me and miles from noplace.
You gonna hip me, The King of the Dip, what the lick is?"
He says, "I got a good mind to gobble you up!"
Jonah said, "Don't you do that, Mr. Whale.
Cause if you do I'm gonna knock you in your most delicate gear!"
The Whale say, "That do it!" Brrruudummm! And he swallowed Jonah.



And here was Jonah slippin' and slidin'
from one side of this great sea mammel to another.
Fear and terror inside.
He couldn't go outthe front end and he was afraid to go out the back end.
And all of a sudden he fell down on these great big blubbery rugs
and a piteous sound came from Jonah.
He said, "Lord! Lord! Can you dig me in this here fish?"
And The Lord said, "I got you covered, Jonah."
And Jonah say (laughing), say, "Lord's sure got a crazy sense of humor!
Maybe that's thereason I dig the cat so much! Tells me he got me covered.
He's got me surrounded!"
And The Great Lord said, "Jonah! Reach in your water-tight pocketbook
and take from there some of the cigarettes you got from the great tree.
And courage will return to you!"
And Jonah did.
And we see Johan inside this giant whale.
Smokin' this strange cigarette.
Watchin' the pistons pound, drivin' that POOM,
pushin' on the gret valve, 'spandin' an' expandin'.
And finally the Whale say, "Uuuuhhhh, Jonah?"
And Jonah say, "Ppfffffffttt. What is it, Fish?"
And The Whale say, " 'What is it, Fish?'?!?"
Say, "You got a new captain on this here mass mess now, Mr. Fish."
He say, "I'm not outside no more. I'm INSIDE now!"
The Whale say, "Jonah, what in the world is you smokin' in there?
I thought I was off the flippity islands.
Here I is two minutes fom the Panama Canal!
This jazz got to go."
Jonah say, "What do you care what I'm smokin' in here?
I'm the captain of this mass mess I done 'splained to you before."
He say, "Jonah, what are you doin'stompin' all over the engine room like that for, boy? Why don't you sit down someplace and cool yourself? You gettin' the ride for nothin'."
Jonah say, "I'll stomp all over this here engine room as long as I want, say, what is this wheel?"
Say, "Look out there, boy, you messin' with my wheel there, Jonah, look out, man! Don't be messin' with that equipment like that here."
Jonah say, "What is this here lever here?"
He say, "Look out, Jonah! Jonah, Jonah, boy.
Boy, look out what you doin', you got my full speed ahead lever.
Jonah, lok out for the rock on theright. Look off on the right, Jonah."
"Cooool!" he say.



"It ain't cool at all! We in the shallow water!"
Jonah say, "That's all I want to know."
And, phallam!, he hit the whale's big sneezin' meter and,
fffsheeww!,
blew him out on the cool groovy sands of serenity.


Which only goes to prove, as Confushi said,
"If you get to it, and you can't do it....?
There you jolly well are, aren't you!"