THE TONIGHT SHOW

He's just getting ready to leave for California to appear on Jay Leno. This is historic. You know, a sitting president has never before lowered himself to sit on a late-night comedy show, and that's the way to look at this. A president of the United States has never lowered himself like this to sit on a late-night comedy show , not even with Johnny Carson, certainly not Letterman. Obama's going to go out there, and my question is: Who's teleprompter is he going to use? Is he taking his teleprompter, or is he going to use Leno's teleprompter? What's the teleprompter going to tell him to say? You know, the Brits, ladies and gentlemen, British journalists are doing such a far better job of covering events in this country than our media because they're not personally invested in Obama's success.

As I mentioned at the top of the program, the teleprompter embarrassed President Obama last night during his White House party. There were a bunch of White House parties last night for St. Patrick's Day. Oh, there's a new name for St. Patrick's Day. Some people are upset that it's called St. Patrick's Day. They want to change it because it has religious overtones. They want to change it to Shamrock Day. No, I kid you not. I kid you not. So anyway, the big, big bashes, big parties. In the middle of bonuses and a recession and an economic downturn, big parties at the White House last night, and the teleprompter totally embarrassed the president of the United States. I've read accounts of this in the US Drive-By Media, and they pretty much present Obama as a guy who saved the day with his cool, his aplomb, his calm demeanor.

The British newspapers skewer Obama on this incident. Here is what happened. "Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen was just a few paragraphs into a [speech] when he realized something sounded way too familiar," and it was. He was repeating the speech that the teleprompter had told Obama to say mere moments ago. The teleprompter forgot to change speeches from Obama's to Cowen's. So Cowen stopped, he turned to the president and said, "That's your speech." I'm surprised it took him 20 seconds to figure out it wasn't his. So Obama started laughing, and Obama went back to the podium to take over, but when Obama got there... This is hilarious! When Obama got there, the teleprompter had then switched back to the Cowen speech. The teleprompter switched back to the Cowen speech while Obama of his laughing and heading to the podium.

So when Obama then reached the podium to try to "coolly, calmly" save the day, he ended up thanking himself for throwing a huge party because he ended up reading the speech the teleprompter wrote for the Irish prime minister. The script had been switched, and Obama ended up thanking himself for inviting everybody to the party. Now, stop and think of this. It's a party. It's a party! You have to assume that the adult beverages are flowing. I don't know about the president, and don't misunderstand, I'm not suggesting anything here, but it's a party. It's a St. Patrick's Day -- Shamrock Day -- party. You gotta assume this. So here comes the Irish guy, goes up to make a speech after Obama, and the teleprompter plays a little game on everybody, doesn't switch the speeches. So the Irish guy gives the same speech for 20 seconds that Obama gave, and suddenly realizes, "Wait a minute. I just heard this."
So he turns to Obama and says, "That's your speech." Obama says, "Huh, duh, ha, ha," comes back to the podium. While Obama is on the way to the podium, the teleprompter (very craftily, very shiftily) put in the right text for the Irish guy, and Obama starts reading that, and he continues to read it until he thanks himself. Because the Irish guy's message in the prompter was, "I want to thank President Obama..." So Obama thanked himself! At some point, do you not realize that? Don't you just stop, before you get to the point where you thank yourself? And of course the British papers talk about, "What is this guy's dependency on the teleprompter here?" The US media is talking about his quick wittedness and his aplomb. (interruption) I do not use a teleprompter at my parties. That's another thing.

A party. It's a party, folks -- a freaking party -- and there's a teleprompter at a party! I don't use a teleprompter, period. Folks, I'll tell you, I have some questions for the teleprompter. You know, this is getting outta hand. Wait a minute. Our microphones just arrived at the Rose Garden. Can we JIP it? Who's there? Oh, Geithner is standing there still looking... Now they're taking questions. Kathleen is rolling on this. If there's anything interesting from this we'll have the audio sound bites coming up. I have some questions for the teleprompter, since it engaged in behavior last night that embarrassed both the Irish prime minister and the president of the United States. I mean, when a teleprompter can get somebody who is as great an orator as the president to thank himself for having this party, you gotta love this prompter. So, "Teleprompter, do you have a name?"

"Teleprompter, in your opinion, how is President Obama doing so far? Did he convey the level of anger you hoped for regarding what you told him to say about AIG? Teleprompter, is the president ever argumentative with you, or is he compliant with your instructions? Teleprompter, have you ever thought about helping Secretary Geithner, or do you work for just one person? Teleprompter, how are you and the First Lady getting along? Are you dating anybody, teleprompter? Mac or PC? There's a rumor, teleprompter, that you send out a small shock to the president when he mispronounces words or mangles phrases you tell him to say, or that you can even make him cough. Is that true?

"Teleprompter, in private, is Joe Biden as buffoonish in private as he is in public? Tell us. We want to know. How does it feel, teleprompter, to be the First Teleprompter for an American president? You're the First TeleprompteR, capital "F"! First Teleprompter. Teleprompter, as a consumer of electricity, how do you feel about cap and trade? Do you feel threatened and endangered? Teleprompter, do you listen to talk radio? Would you consider yourself a Dittohead? When did you first meet Barack Obama, teleprompter? Are you paid with taxpayer money, and if so, did you have to fill out Obama's questionnaire before you were hired as First Teleprompter? And teleprompter, what are your plans post-presidency? Will you retire to Silicon Valley, or will you tell Obama what to say when he's giving speeches at a million dollars per year after his presidency? And finally, teleprompter, are you nervous about President Obama appearing with The Chin on The Tonight Show without you?