DAVID LETTERMAN

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on CBS: You remember Hillary Clinton? She has been married to Bubba for quite a while. Well, she is now the Secretary of State, and she is on her first big round the world tour. She is on her big Asian tour. She wants to normalize relations with North Korea. No word yet about normalizing relations with Bill.

They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine’s Day, and I thought this was surprising: sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment.

I want to tell you something. You think it’s tough in New York City, California is bankrupt. Yeah, things are so - here’s how bad things are California. They’ve canceled the next three mudslides.

Meanwhile, while Obama’s signing the stimulus package bill in Denver, John McCain was busy at Denny’s, sectioning his grapefruit.



Monologue | Aired Monday night on CBS: Everybody has got Fashion Week fever in New York City, where they had a big 50th anniversary tribute to Barbie. Can you believe that Barbie has been around 50 years? During that time, they have had Preppie Barbie, Wedding Barbie, and Republican Running Mate Barbie.

Here’s something exciting. Hillary Clinton, our Secretary of State, is on her first big round the world trip. She’s visiting Asia, including a stop in China, where she is trying to do something about those leaky takeout food cartons.

Yeah. Hillary is in Asia; Bill is in heaven.



Monologue | Aired Thursday night on CBS: I don’t know what the deal is, but all of a sudden, we have 40- and 50 mile-an-hour gusts of wind blowing around outside. In fact, it is so windy, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s hair actually moved.

Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln, who was born 200 years ago today. And to mark the occasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney, earlier today, went into a theater and shot a guy.

Don’t you have a feeling it’s going to be a long time before we have a vice president who shoots a guy in the face? Just doesn’t happen that often.



Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on CBS: You know, this Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner? He gave testimony on Capitol Hill today, but it drew lukewarm response. So, Timothy, welcome to the club!

I hate to be critical this early into the new administration, but I don’t know if this Timothy Geithner is the guy for the job. He may not be up to it. Turns out, he thought the Treasury Secretary was in charge of buried treasure.

How about this? It’s a good example of how strange things are and how time flies. On this date in 2006, then-Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Tell me again why he’s not in jail? How did that work?

How about this? A celebrity birthday. Today is Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin’s birthday. I’m not saying how old is, but from her house, she can see 50.

Sarah Palin is actually 45 years old today, and just to tell you a little something about me - Sarah Palin, I think, is the first vice presidential candidate that I have pictured naked. Well, since Lloyd Bentsen.

But Sarah Palin had a big birthday celebration up there in Alaska. She celebrated by shooting wolf cubs from a helicopter. Later, she shot the cake.



Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on CBS: How about President Barack Obama’s first primetime press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I’m thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson.



Monologue | Aired Monday night on CBS: Last night, right here on CBS, they aired the annual Grammy Awards, and no surprise here, the Grammy for Best Duo went to Aretha Franklin and her hat.

Anybody here in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show? Some unfortunate news. A Jack Russell Terrier had to drop out because of tax problems.



Monologue | Aired Thursday night on CBS: I don’t want to just ruin everybody’s day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high.

Hey, how about that Rod Blagojevich? You know who I am talking about? The former governor of Illinois was on the program Tuesday. He looks like the guy who would sell you retractable awnings.

Blagojevich looks like a guy who runs out of bullets and then throws his gun at Superman.

Man, here’s something chilling. Former Vice President Dick Cheney is now warning that there will be another terrorist attack. He got that information by waterboarding himself.

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February 5, 2009, 12:43 pm
‘Still Chomping at the Bit’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on CBS: Either today or yesterday, Barack Obama said Americans are “sick and tired” of people “being rewarded for failure.” Is he talking about me?

I’m sorry you folks weren’t here last night, because you missed a big show. Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was here. You know, it’s funny. The audience really liked him, but they impeached me.

But it was fun to have Rod Blagojevich on the program, because for one night, I was not the creepiest guy on the show. Read more…

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February 4, 2009, 11:01 am
‘Some Tax Problems’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on CBS: Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that thing on his head doesn’t bite me.

I like Blagojevich. He looks like your neighbor who never returns the tools.

Blagojevich looks like a guy at K-Mart who says, “The best we can do is store credit.”

Aren’t you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here’s what he’s going to do. He’s going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes.

Tom Daschle has withdrawn his cabinet nomination because he had some tax problems. Forgot about $150,000. Remember the old days, when politicians got in trouble for having sex with pages. Those days seem pretty sweet now, don’t they?

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February 3, 2009, 10:13 am
‘Stuff Always Goes Haywire in Alaska’

Monologue | Aired Monday night on CBS: Right after Sunday’s Super Bowl, President Barack Obama placed a congratulatory phone call to the Steelers from his BlackBerry. Meanwhile, John McCain called the Cardinals from his ham radio.

You’ve got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off.

Today is Groundhog Day, and I don’t know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it.

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January 30, 2009, 1:11 pm
‘One Headache After Another’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on CBS: Cold everywhere. Listen how cold it is. It is so cold out in Illinois, the state of Illinois impeached Al Roker.

On this date in 2002, President Bush, do you remember this, the axis of evil speech? Do you remember his axis of evil? Do you remember what the axis of evil was? Iran, Iraq, Dick Cheney. That was the axis of evil right there.

Blagojevich was impeached today back there in Springfield. And he spoke in his defense at the impeachment proceedings, spoke for 47 minutes. And it really took its toll on the guy, because afterwards, they had to rush him to the emergency room at Supercuts. Read more…

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January 29, 2009, 12:40 pm
‘He’s a Crook’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on CBS: You folks know about this Rod Blagojevich, the governor from Illinois? Well, they’re trying to get him out of there because he’s a crook. And he was having an impeachment trial, and he said, “You know what, you kids go and have your little impeachment trial. I’m going to New York City, and I’m going to be on every TV show.” Did you see the guy on TV? He was everywhere. I mean, this guy, he looks like the guy that tells you need new brake pads, you know?

Blagojevich looks like an insurance salesman that keeps calling you “Captain.” “Hey, Captain.”

Blagojevich looks like a guy who backs you up with his aftershave. Whoah!

Blagojevich looks like a guy who disappears with your deposit after he takes your contracting contract.

Blagojevich looks like the guy who tries to set you up with his wife.

And President Bush, after eight years, is also in retirement. How can you tell?

President Bush, of course, has a place just outside of Crawford, Texas — Rancho Inepto.

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January 28, 2009, 11:21 am
‘Just One Complaint’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on CBS: Cold outside right now. And I’m not a weatherman, but they say this frigid weather is coming off a cold front between New York Gov. David Paterson and Caroline Kennedy. That’s causing a frost.

Out in the Midwest, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was so cold he was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer.

Scary moment for Gov. Blagojevich earlier today. Several geese were sucked into his hair.

Happy birthday to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. There was an awkward moment at the big party they had in Roberts’ office today when he screwed up the words to “Happy Birthday.” Read more…



Monologue | Aired Monday night on CBS: Cold outside. Lousy cold. Here is how cold it was. It was so cold today that Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up while ordering chowder.

It was so cold, that thing on Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s head went into hibernation.

By the way, today, Governor Blagojevich is being impeached. Of course, the state of Illinois is already searching for a new crooked politician to take his place.

Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It’s the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate. Read more…