Monologue

February 19, 2009, 12:32 pm
‘The Housing Crisis’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: As you may have heard, the state of California is broke. So you’re looking at massive state layoffs now because the legislature hasn’t been able to come up with a budget. The state is $42 billion in the hole. You know, I’m no financial expert, but if you have no money and no prospects of making money and you owe $42 billion, you’re way beyond putting yourself on a budget, O.K.? I think you’re looking at faking your own death at this point.

Critics say the problem is people don’t understand what is in the budget. Well, of course, we don’t understand. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is explaining this to us. “Yeah, da budget is here with da money. You see, with da hydrogen and da green people, sometime you take it from here, and you put here, with da solar power!”

Hey, the market went up three points today, so the stimulus package is working. Yeah! It’s a miracle!
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‘California Is a Mess’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: President Obama was in Arizona today, talking about his plan to help ease the home mortgage crisis. It seemed like a strange place to announce his plan, since most of the homes in Arizona are owned by John McCain.

Obama has now addressed two of the three major issues that he said would have to be addressed in order to avert a financial disaster. The first was getting the stimulus package passed. The second was addressing the housing crisis and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets. And I’ve got a cage full of hamsters that are starting to look absolutely delicious.

A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can’t get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he’s already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he’ll “be back,” he said, “Hasta la vista, baby.” He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail.

As part of a plan to close his state’s budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can’t have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he’s going to tax pornography. If he can’t enjoy it, nobody can. What’s next, a tax on rainbows?

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February 19, 2009, 12:24 pm
‘News for Sarah Palin’


‘We’re Busted’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on CBS: America’s auto makers have asked the government - Remember when America’s auto makers flew into Washington in their private jets and said, “We’re busted. We’d like several hundred billion dollars.” Well, they’re coming back again. They’re asking for $22 billion in additional taxpayer money. I mean, these guys are like the world’s most expensive brother-in-law, you know?

Hillary Clinton is on her first world trip around the world as secretary of state. She’s on tour in Asia. Hillary’s in Asia. Bill’s in heaven.

Right now, Hillary is visiting China. She’s trying to stop the proliferation of doorknob menus.