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‘Going Nuts in Washington’Riveted by Barack’‘Ten Minutes Alone’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Today, millions of people leaving Washington following Tuesday’s inauguration. Actually, so many people are trying to leave that all the Amtrak trains are sold out. So, apparently, Barack Obama can work miracles.

This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent 10 minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out.

Yesterday, in San Francisco, someone replaced all the street signs on Bush Street with signs that say Obama Street. Locals say it doesn’t really matter because every street in San Francisco goes both ways.

Today, in one of his first official acts as President, Barack Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisors to find out just, you know, what the situation is. And, apparently, it didn’t go well, because after the meeting, Obama sold North and South Dakota.

Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, “You made us so proud.” Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of “You totally embarrassed us” signs.

Yesterday, at Barack Obama’s inauguration, he was sworn in on an old Bible that was used by Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. Yeah, and the weird part is, Lincoln checked the Bible out of a library. There are $73,000 in late fees.

Today was Joe Biden’s first full day as Vice President. Yeah, advisers say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair.

Yesterday, this is weird, vendors along the parade route were selling binoculars that they called “Barackulars.” That’s true. And even worse, the ShamWow guy was selling “ShamWowbamas.”

This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next “Batman” movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side.
Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on NBC: What an historic day, ladies and gentlemen. The whole country was riveted by Barack Obama’s inauguration. Two million people were in Washington to watch it, and then everyone else in the country watched it on TV. Yeah, I don’t think America’s been this excited since they figured out how to put cheese inside pizza crust.

This is a true story. Some people alongside Barack Obama’s inaugural parade route got bored waiting for it to start. So, did you see this? They started doing the electric slide. Yeah, apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable.

All the living ex-presidents attended the swearing-in ceremony. But did you see this? Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah, apparently, thousands of women yelled, “That’s him, officer!”

Very cold today in Washington. Yeah. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush’s approval rating reached minus 13.

Everybody was using superlatives today to talk about this historic day, all the broadcasters. During NBC’s coverage, Brian Williams said that the inauguration is like the Super Bowl. Yeah. The only difference is that the New York Jets had a chance to go to the inauguration.

Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish.

Now, people who went to elementary school with Barack Obama say that they remember him as a chubby boy named Barry. Yeah. And folks, even as we speak, those people’s tax returns are being audited.
Monologue | Aired Monday night on NBC: In less than 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next President. Yeah. Actually, if I were you — if I were you, I wouldn’t cheer. You’d be surprised how much President Bush can screw up in 12 hours. He just launched an attack on the Bahamas, O.K?

They’re going nuts in Washington, though. The festivities have already begun. Yesterday, in Washington, Barack Obama was on hand — did you see this? — for performances by Jon Bon Jovi, Garth Brooks and John Mellencamp. Yeah. So, folks, it really is a new era for African-Americans. All the music they love.

You know, some people are really angry because the festivities for Barack Obama’s inauguration, guess what? Are gonna cost $170 million. Yeah, after hearing about it, Oprah said, “Don’t worry. This one’s on me.” She put down her Amex card made of plutonium.

Earlier tonight, this is nice, Barack Obama hosted a dinner honoring John McCain. You can tell the dinner was to honor John McCain, because it was over by 4 p.m.

At Washington’s Union Station, Ikea has built a replica of the Oval Office where all the furnishings have been replaced with Ikea furniture. Yeah, experts say it finally answers the question, “What if the President was a 28-year-old divorced guy.”

Earlier today, this is kind of weird, an illustrator from the Washington Post made a sketch of what Barack Obama might look like after the stress of an eight-year presidency. Unfortunately for Obama, he’s gonna look a lot like Grady from “Sanford and Son.”

President Bush is winding things down. Yep, today was President Bush’s last full day in office. He called the leaders of Denmark, Italy, Russia and South Korea to say, “Thank you.” Yeah, his exact words were, “Thank you for being one of the last four countries that will still take my calls.”