JAY LENO

JAY LENO
February 19, 2009, 12:32 pm
‘The Housing Crisis’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: As you may have heard, the state of California is broke. So you’re looking at massive state layoffs now because the legislature hasn’t been able to come up with a budget. The state is $42 billion in the hole. You know, I’m no financial expert, but if you have no money and no prospects of making money and you owe $42 billion, you’re way beyond putting yourself on a budget, O.K.? I think you’re looking at faking your own death at this point.

Critics say the problem is people don’t understand what is in the budget. Well, of course, we don’t understand. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is explaining this to us. “Yeah, da budget is here with da money. You see, with da hydrogen and da green people, sometime you take it from here, and you put here, with da solar power!”

Hey, the market went up three points today, so the stimulus package is working. Yeah! It’s a miracle!
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February 18, 2009, 11:16 am
‘Across the Potomac’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on NBC: Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington’s throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole.

No, they said the stimulus package will give people an extra $13 in their paychecks. So, next time the bank starts closing in, you go: “Hey, hey, hey! I got 13 smackaroonies coming in.”

And, you know, you got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. Like, today, instead of just saying, “Oh, from North to South,” he said, “from the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.” That sounds so much better than, “From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a@# beaches of California.” Read more…

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February 17, 2009, 10:21 am
‘More Problems With the Democrats’

Monologue | Aired Monday night on NBC: Happy Presidents’ Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand a few are expected to open tomorrow.

Presidents’ Day, of course, the day we honor presidents Washington and Lincoln. And Saturday was, of course, Valentine’s Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton.

Congress passed the biggest spending bill in U.S. history: $787 billion. The newspapers said today not one politician in Washington has read the bill, to which President Bush said, “See, nobody reads that stuff! Who says I have no legacy?” Read more…

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February 13, 2009, 8:27 pm
‘I Tell You, the Economy Is in Bad Shape’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on NBC: Well, it’s Thursday. You know what that means? Another Obama Cabinet member nominee has quit.

Well, just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg has withdrawn as the nominee for Commerce Secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited “irresolvable conflict.” So, apparently, he must have paid his taxes.

Michigan Congressman John Dingell has set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He’s been there 19,421 days. That’s the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place well, if you don’t count federal prison.

I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, airlines are now charging extra if you want peanuts without salmonella.

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February 12, 2009, 12:21 pm
‘Stupid for Three Years’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send Marion Barry, the former mayor of Washington, D.C., to jail for failing to file tax returns for the eighth time in nine years. Hasn’t paid taxes for eight years straight. So for Barry, it’s either jail or a cabinet position in the Obama administration. Either one.

Happy birthday, Governor Sarah Palin, who turned 45 years old today. Hey, I thought this was nice. She got a lovely card in it with $5 from John McCain. After Palin opened her card, she did some shots - two moose and a caribou.

And as you know, pro baseball player Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod, has admitted to using steroids. He said he feels bad because he was stupid for three years, to which former President George W. Bush said, “Hey, try it for eight years.”

Well, today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.’s in a room full of politicians - they had to flip a coin to see who’s going to tell the first lie.

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February 11, 2009, 11:30 am
‘God Wants Me to Serve’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on NBC: Last night, Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States, and it was fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences.

I miss the President Bush news conference. Like when they asked him a question, he’d go, “Uh, can I have a hint?”

And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, “God wants me to serve.” But here is my question. How bad a candidate are you if you can’t win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?

Meg Whitman, the former C.E.O. of eBay, has filed to run for governor of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state’s broke. If we’re going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?

Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I’m quoting here, that she may “be a slut and a whore, but” she is “not a criminal.” But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three.

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February 10, 2009, 10:05 am
‘Good News and Bad News’

Monologue | Aired Monday night on NBC: Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it’s FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody.

Oh, here’s a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can’t get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy.

And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco.

I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is “Spare Change You Can Believe In.”

The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins.

And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what’s happened to John McCain since the election.

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February 7, 2009, 4:52 pm
‘Furlough Friday’

Monologue | Aired Friday night on NBC: President Obama getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And listen to this — not only that, on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18-hole.

See, the whole theory behind the salary cap is if you’re not performing well and you’re taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that kind of criteria, everybody in Congress should get what, two bucks an hour or something like that?

Today is Furlough Friday here in California, where the state is so broke, 200,000 state workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California. They make it sound like it’s fun. “Oh, Furlough Friday!” What’s the next big holiday? “Selling Your Blood for Money Saturday?” Is that it?

And it looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That’s where you throw good money after bad or, as the government calls it, a stimulus package.

“And the job market” is “no day at the beach either. … Oh, yeah, today, the Border Patrol stopped a van of illegal aliens trying to sneak into Mexico. That’s how bad” it is.

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February 6, 2009, 12:53 pm
‘Money For Retreats’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on NBC: This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes.

It came out today that the House Democratic Caucus spent $500,000 of taxpayers’ money for retreats at luxury resorts and spas. The Democrats say the time was used for strategic planning for the country. So, the resorts are being used for strategic planning. Really? Then what is the Capitol building for? Hello?! Hello?! Isn’t this work?

Hey, listen to this — according to the Wall Street Journal, the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn’t make the city look tacky.

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February 5, 2009, 12:50 pm
‘A Way to Pay Off the Deficit’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Welcome to “The Tonight Show.” You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes.

I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He’s found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay off the deficit.

As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama’s cabinet, due to I.R.S. problems. Yeah, he said, “I will not be a distraction.” See, distraction is Washington talk for, “Uh-oh, there’s a lot more crap you don’t know about yet.” Read more…

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February 4, 2009, 11:05 am
‘Put the Hat on Display’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on NBC: The New York Post is reporting that Bernard Madoff’s family is so upset with his actions in this Ponzi scheme, they’re thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden.

The U.S. Post Office announced they could run out of cash by the end of the year. They said they’re in serious danger of becoming a bank. That’s how bad it is.

I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.

Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin’! Read more…

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February 3, 2009, 10:18 am
‘Every Seat Was a Good Seat’

Monologue | Aired Monday night on NBC: Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin. “Hey, lady, the hat. Take the hat off, lady.”

Happy birthday to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now 68 years old. So you know what that means? He beat the spread.

And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton’s brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. Read more…

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January 30, 2009, 1:16 pm
‘Strange Sounding Names’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on NBC: Huge, huge winter storm in some parts of the country. In fact, it was so cold in Chicago, they froze out Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

Our studio audience might not know this, but a couple hours ago, Gov. Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office by a vote of 59-0. So close!

So that’s one corrupt politician down, 126,388 to go. Read more…

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January 29, 2009, 12:45 pm
‘Reaching Out to the Arab World’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Let’s see what’s going on in the world. As you know, President Barack Obama gave his first sit-down interview as president to an Arab TV network. He’s reaching out to the Arab world. In fact, he even made a cameo appearance on one of the biggest sitcoms in the Arab world, “How I Met Your Mullah.”

And people are still talking about Michelle Obama’s inaugural outfit. You know, I saw the designer on one of the cable shows and he said he didn’t even know that Michelle was going to wear his design. He said he was watching the inaugural ball on TV and was surprised to see her wearing it. On a related note, the designer of Aretha Franklin’s hat said he was also surprised when he saw Aretha wearing his design on her head because he originally designed it as a tote bag.

And my favorite politician — Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich — was on the “Today” show yesterday. And he compared himself to Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Gandhi. Really? You see his hair? I think he’s more like Skippy from “Family Ties.”

Hey, earlier this week, all the e-mail service in the White House completely collapsed. No e-mails coming in, no e-mails going out. Everything had to be written down on paper by hand. It was like if John McCain had been elected president. Read more…

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January 28, 2009, 11:25 am
‘A Stream of Verbal Attacks’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on NBC: Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?

President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that’s not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?

Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it preempted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called “30 Rocks.” Read more…