JIMMY KIMMEL

JIMMY KIMMEL
February 19, 2009, 12:28 pm
‘California Is a Mess’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: President Obama was in Arizona today, talking about his plan to help ease the home mortgage crisis. It seemed like a strange place to announce his plan, since most of the homes in Arizona are owned by John McCain.

Obama has now addressed two of the three major issues that he said would have to be addressed in order to avert a financial disaster. The first was getting the stimulus package passed. The second was addressing the housing crisis and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets. And I’ve got a cage full of hamsters that are starting to look absolutely delicious.

A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can’t get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he’s already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he’ll “be back,” he said, “Hasta la vista, baby.” He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail.

As part of a plan to close his state’s budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can’t have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he’s going to tax pornography. If he can’t enjoy it, nobody can. What’s next, a tax on rainbows?

Add a comment
E-mail This
Print
Share
February 18, 2009, 11:33 am
‘Bringing Real Bipartisanship’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law. The spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice.

Comments (2)
E-mail This
Print
Share
February 11, 2009, 11:12 am
‘Here’s How It’s Going to Work’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: The Senate has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is just under $3,000 for each person in America. And here’s how it’s going to work. On March 1, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition bars.

All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it’s going to take a lot of time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince Republicans that being bipartisan doesn’t mean you have to have sex with other dudes?

Add a comment
E-mail This
Print
Share
February 4, 2009, 10:52 am
‘Steelers in a Squeaker’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: President Obama, before Sunday’s Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it’s a shame he didn’t bet the deficit on the game.

Apparently, the President has a half brother named George Obama, who lives in Kenya, and George Obama was arrested on Saturday for possession of marijuana. He was walking around the village telling people his brother was the President, so they assumed he was high and arrested him.

How great is that, though? One brother is the President of the United States, the other is a stoner in Kenya. If that isn’t a sitcom, I don’t know what is.

And by the way, is Africa really the place you want to get the munchies? It isn’t.

Comments (2)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 30, 2009, 1:01 pm
‘Disgraced Without Hookers’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: Today is Oprah Winfrey’s 55th birthday. I feel bad for Stedman on Oprah’s birthday. What do you get the woman who has her own president? Do you sacrifice a lamb or something? You can’t make a mixtape.

The state Senate in Illinois stayed in session today to finish the impeachment trial of Governor Rod Blagojevich, who decided to show up today. He spoke for 47 minutes before they were able to nab him with a butterfly net and some Aqua Net.

Meanwhile, our president, President Obama, will make his first trip overseas to Canada next month. It’s an historic visit, not just because it’s his first foreign trip, but because he’ll be the first black person ever to visit Canada.

Obama is going because Canada is such an important friend to the United States and because he always wanted to visit the birthplace of Alan Thicke.

Comments (3)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 28, 2009, 11:12 am
‘America Has Changed’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: Today, President Barack Obama’s first interview as president with an Arabic news network was aired. He told the mostly Muslim nations that America has changed and said if they “unclench their fist,” we will shake their hand. But they’re hesitant because Bush told them the same thing and then got them with a joy buzzer.

Sen. John McCain has confirmed that as rumored, his wife Cindy was approached to compete on “Dancing with the Stars,” but they turned it down. I guess they figured the McCains have lost enough competitions already.

Comment (1)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 25, 2009, 4:55 pm
‘A Chia Biden’

Monologue | Aired Friday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: There’s big business popping up around Obama. There’s plates, coins, T-shirts, and now, the Chia company has immortalized him in clay. And what better way to honor a president than to have sprouts growing from his brain pan?

There’s also a Chia Biden, where you take sprouts from the back of the head and you transplant them into the front.

Add a comment
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 22, 2009, 12:43 pm
‘Is it a Good Sign?’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: President Bush is back in Texas, unemployed like much of the rest of America. Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese’s Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out.

Actually, after going to ten inaugural balls last night and dancing more than Cloris Leachman in nine weeks of “Dancing With the Stars,” the new president was up and in the office at 8:35 in the morning and then he was at church at 9:30. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president, he decided the best thing he could do for the country is pray?

Last night, while their parents were at the inaugural balls, Sasha and Malia Obama, the kids, had their own little party at the White House. They held a scavenger hunt for them and some other kids. And this is the best thing. At the end of the scavenger hunt, they opened door and in a closet waiting for them were the Jonas Brothers. True. I guess they did the same thing with the Bush twins back in 2000, only it was Motley Crue with a tray of Jell-O shots in the closet.

Comment (1)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 21, 2009, 11:05 am
‘Our First Hawaiian President’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.

They estimate that around two million people crowded in to the National Mall to see Obama’s swearing-in ceremony, which is the first time a mall has been crowded in about a year.

You know, I tell you something, it’s silly to say that President Bush was the worst president of all time. We don’t know that. All we can say is that he was the worst president so far, right?

Former Vice President Cheney was in a wheelchair at the inauguration. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving boxes yesterday. But I don’t know if I believe that. In fact, if you look closely, you can see the reason he’s in a wheelchair is because his feet turned back into hooves a day before they were supposed to. That was not as it was agreed upon in the pact.

Comment (1)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 16, 2009, 1:40 pm
‘Cute References’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: I think I have the perfect solution to this cold. I was thinking about it today. Let’s swap countries with Mexico. Everyone who lives there moves here and vice versa. You want it so bad, you can have it.

President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he’s going to leave Obama holding.

President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he’s not going to fade away. He’s only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint.

And the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave his annual State of the State address this morning. And while you might think that after five years in office, he has run out of cute references to his own movies. But he most certainly has not, because he made reference to Conan’s sword in today’s speech. All that’s left is for him to tell the Board of Education about “Kindergarten Cop,” right?

Comments (2)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 15, 2009, 12:31 pm
‘One Last Hard-Hitting Interview’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at least four years.

By the way, it seems fitting to me that President Bush would leave Washington, D.C., in a state of emergency on the day he leaves office.

The President was on “Larry King” last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who’s about to collect a huge inheritance.

I like that the President doesn’t know where his money is. If he doesn’t know where ours is, he shouldn’t know where his is either, right?

Comments (2)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 14, 2009, 11:17 am
‘Candid and Animated’

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: Well, one more week left of President Bush, and the President has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences because the press never really understood him, mostly because he makes up his own words.

I’m really going to miss him. Can’t we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he doesn’t actually make any decisions? I mean, I’m all for change, but I have a show to do here.

Comment (1)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 9, 2009, 12:56 pm
‘A New Set of Plates’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: It was an exciting first day for our first lady, who got a new set of plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new gold-rimmed official state china. It cost $493,000, but don’t worry. It was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics who donate half a million dollars to buy the White House plates.

Mrs. Bush said she’d been hoping to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came, which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA.

The Bushes, by the way, aren’t the only presidents to have their own china. Truman, Reagan, and Clinton all had it too, though the Clinton service is missing some plates and I think a soup bowl because of Hillary throwing them at Bill.

But I’ll tell you something, nothing to me says recession like spending a half a million dollars on dinnerware.

Remember Joe the plumber? A conservative website is sending Joe the plumber to Gaza as their war correspondent. Because who better to explain the complex issues surrounding a war that’s been going on for forty years than an unlicensed plumber?

Comments (2)
E-mail This
Print
Share
January 8, 2009, 11:55 am
‘An Historic Day’

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: Let me tell you something, it was an historic day — I think that’s the right way to say it, in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It’s his place, and when the guys all walked in, he went, “Hey, you’re the guys from the paintings in my office.”

Not only did the former presidents give Obama advice, but this is pretty amazing. They announced a plan to solve all the world’s problems by joining forces to form one giant President Voltron, which will destroy all who oppose us.

Comment (1)
E-mail This
Print
Share
December 12, 2008, 12:32 pm
‘Selling All Their Stuff’

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: Barack Obama had another press conference today. Among other things, he talked about the economy. He says job prospects are worse than they have been in 26 years. This Obama is turning out to be a real bummer with these speeches, isn’t he?

John McCain has not been holding any press conferences lately. In fact, they just finished moving out of their campaign headquarters and are selling all their stuff. Really sad. McCain has gone from almost being president to holding a yard sale